A letter to Santa

Dear Santa,


I hope that you and Rudolph are well. (I was worried about his red nose but it turns out that is not a Covid symptom.) I know I am 42 years old, but is there any possibility that you might be able to leave some presents under my tree this year?

I have been really, really good in 2020. I haven’t been out in town at night getting into mischief with my girl gang, I haven’t polluted the environment with my car, and, Santa, I know you won’t believe this, but for the WHOLE of November I didn’t go to Merry Hill. Not even once! In addition, I have been much more hygienic than usual, and although my hands may smell of alcohol it’s not because I have been day drinking. Much.

I have been trying to get fit, Santa, but as a fellow cookie and milk lover I know you understand how hard it is to drop a few pounds. I downloaded Boris’ app and am getting in my 10-minute brisk walks every day. Unless it’s raining. Or cold. Or dark. Or there’s a chance I might run into my neighbours. I suppose I could exercise indoors, but I don’t have any equipment. (Please don’t trouble yourself to deliver an exercise bike, I’m not sure it would fit down the chimney, and I don’t want you to put your back out.)


I do have a few specific requests for Christmas, which I hope you and the elves can deliver.


I’d like a Covid-repellent force-field for my daughter’s school so that I never have to home-school and work from home at the same time again. I’d like an invisibility cloak so that when the neighbours come round to invite me to outdoor street Zumba (yes, really) I don’t have to make up a lame excuse again. I’d obviously like some gin, but I didn’t need to tell you that, did I Santa?! Most of all I’d like to avoid having to present receipts to my husband for all my Christmas spending so that he can update his spreadsheet and then lecture me about budgets (just joking, Santa, I know you don’t do miracles – I’ll write a letter to Baby Jesus instead.)

Thank you Santa, I know you have a lot of other children to think about this year. I would never try to influence or bribe you, but if you drop in to our house on Christmas Eve, there’s a cupboard full of gin right next to the Christmas tree…. (can’t promise not to have eaten the cookies though.)





P.S. What tier is the North Pole in? My girls and I could do with a night out…